I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i think i just lost a toe
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
