Banned from zoo.
Again?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
