Kiss
Puke
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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