yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
