I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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