Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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