just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Randomize
