we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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