Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
