After last night, I could never be a politician.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
