i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize