then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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