my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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