I think I died a long time ago.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
