Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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