I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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