I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
