i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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