1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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