genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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