You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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