Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can't turn off my feet"
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
