It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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