I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize