from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
