Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
