I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Randomize
