I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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