i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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