dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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