I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
