Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize