WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
