I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
