Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
where does the pee come out of this thing
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
