One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Is this like a preordered booty call?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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