My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
