My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize