Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
