we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
