is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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