A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oh god it's open bar.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
