Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
