Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
