i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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