Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I am spending my child support on dildos
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize