My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
