so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I need a burrito and a hug.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
