so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
