oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
