sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
