Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
