Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
