This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
