I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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