he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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