I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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