I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
