watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
PANTIES FOUND
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