Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
