Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Is Oprah even human
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
