are you so shy because you have an std?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
