You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
