Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
