we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Everclear isn't food dammit
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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